It has taken me many years of searching and seeking the Lord for healing to get to this place that I am today. A place where I am still sorting through fragmented memories, trying to make sense of my story. Realizing that there are so many "Monsters" attached to the woundings of my heart and that in a way I have nurtured those "Monsters" and consoled them at times, believing that they were the only safe place to run to.
Killing this monster means that I will make a choice everyday in every moment to love myself. To remind myself that His love is for me not against me. That in every moment, every pain that I walk through He never turned His face in shame. That He scooped up the broken pieces of glass that I carried with me, taking them out to hold those broken dreams, memories, hurts, to reminisce only to re-wound, and he turned them to jewels. That when I read Jeremiah 29:11-14a (my favorite verse) that I can believe that verse is more than just a pipe dream it is His living, loving truth about His intentions for me His daughter.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity."
The real truth was that I didn't believe that I deserved anything good, I would cleave on to the hurt or table scraps of ones love. Was there more waiting for me, more love, more friendship, more than just what I was receiving. If a delivery truck pulls up to the dock but the gate is closed, shut off, not receiving shipments then the dock will not receive anything. Left to survive on what it has held onto, what is already in stock. What was already in stock in my heart was rotten and would not bring healing but continue to cause more harm and hurt to my already withered heart.
Today I choose to KILL the monster of lies that has told me, I was created for pain, disappointment, hurt, loneliness that all the pain that has been dealt to me was done so because I deserved it. As a little girl I can remember thinking, there must be something wrong with me, that I was a mistake, that God must have gotten distracted when He was piecing me together and that is why I was missing the "good". If I could only be better, if only I was "good" then my life could look like that other little girls, and people would like me, or even more I could feel loved. It was like I walked around with that infamous "Kick Me" me sign on my back. Only mine said so much more. It said "HURT ME" because I didn't believe that I deserved anything better than the hand that I was dealt. Again the "table scraps" mentality, that I only deserve the left overs.
No longer will the fear of hurt contain me, restrain me, keep me prisoner shutting me off to just table scraps. I love knowing that He is in the business of redeeming and restoring. As I get alone with Him and let Him walk me through my timeline putting rhyme and reason to the stories that make up my life, the tiny pin-hole that I have received through has begin to open up to receive more. I will not be shut-off anymore, no longer will I force myself to fit into a distorted mold of "acceptable". Pursuing the heart and will of my loving Father and always running into Him to seek shelter instead of believing I am my only safe place.
God, you said, "come to me...". Today and everyday I choose to come to you and meet with you allowing your love to wash over me bringing your perfect peace to every place in my heart. Thank you for your unconditional love that walks through every moment of my life with me, that carries no shame for my past and so much hope and love for my future. I choose today to bring you all the hurts of my past and surrender them to you. Help me to recognize when I am believing that I am the only safe place. Help me to see vividly the moments when I cling to a hurt believing that I am just getting what I deserve. I ask that you would continue to speak your truths to my heart and thank you for bringing people into my life that encourage and love me right where I am at too. I ask all this in Jesus name, Amen.
Post by Jessica Dromgoole
Jessica is a wife and mother. She is married to her childhood best friend and first love, Tommy. They have four children, Brayden (12), Noah & Celeste (11 year old twins), and Kyra (9). Jessica loves all creative arts. She is a writer, singer, photographer, graphics and web designer. She is a homeschool mom, and is the owner of Life's Little Reflections.