I tried doing everything I could think of, to fix myself, in my own strength. But, the truth is I am not strong enough nor smart enough nor capable enough to fix me. I can't heal myself from wounds from my past. I can't adopt a healthy way of looking at things by my own doing. How can a broken person fix a broken person? It doesn't work that way.
When it's your normal, you don't have anything to compare it to. I didn't know people had quiet minds. I thought the racing thoughts, the self-hatred, the fatigue, the paranoia, the severe bouts of energy were all just a part of life. I do remember thinking I was broken in some way. I thought I was too weak to handle what everyone else handled. I saw myself as too emotional, too sensitive, too analytical, too fearful, too broken, too fragile. I saw myself as one hot MESS. The glasses that I viewed myself and the world around me were severely broken.
"At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
There is no way I could have had the energy to do the work without a medical intervention. I was in bed, barely brushing my teeth, for three years. The Bible seemed too heavy to pick up and too hard to understand. Every time I read it, all I got from it was condemnation, because I was looking through the broken lenses of legalism and religion. No thanks! I already had enough of that going on in my head all on my own! Going to God required more energy from me than I had to give...so I thought.
I do believe that medicine is a band-aid to a larger issue, as with anything, but it does serve a purpose and it does have it's proper place. So, please, do not receive any condemnation from others if you are someone who needs to take anti-depressants, sleep aids, mood stabilizers, or any other kind of medicine, for that matter. Just know, that medicine treats the symptoms, not the real issue. But, do not let others, who don't live in your shoes, with your mind, tell you that you are wrong for needing medicine. If that is where you are at in your journey, that's where you are at.
I decided to write this blog because of all the people who have come up to me, after hearing me share my story, and have told me how relieved they were to hear a Christian say they took medicine for depression. I am AMAZED at how many people suffer through, because of a judgment that is passed on them from people who have no idea what it is like to live with it.
Taking medicine isn't the answer for everyone, but it is for some. It doesn't solve the issue, but it sure as heck helps. Taking it is not a sign of weakness, to me, its a sign of strength. It takes a strong person to admit they can't do it alone. And it isn't a lack of faith. You can take medicine while all along believing for your healing just as someone who takes high blood pressure medicine is exercising to bring it down.
I am digging. I am doing the work. I am believing for healing. But until then, you better believe, I'm taking that pink pill!
Post by Leah Rocha
Co-Founder of j2i
Leah is a wife and mom. She is married to her first love, Julian. They have three children, Jordan (19), Leslie (18), and Brookes (11). She is currently attending college at The King's University, Southlake Texas and is on course to receive her Bachelor's degree in Counseling.