Have you ever been so messed up in your head, you couldn’t unravel what’s exactly wrong? Have you known that you desperately need some help but didn’t know how to begin to tell anyone what you are going through?
They will probably reject me or think I’m crazy or think I’m stupid if they knew what is really going on inside of me.
They probably wouldn’t care anyway.
So everything stays in turmoil.
That was me. I was in constant fear. I didn’t really want to live anymore. I just wanted it to stop! The only thing that kept me from ending it all was yes…a fear of pain. That one did come in handy that time. I’m so glad I’m still here now.
When I was 12 My parents separated and divorced when I was 13. My brothers were in and out of the house since they were older. My youngest brother ended up on drugs. It seemed that everyone thought he was really cool. Young and impressionable, I decided I wanted to follow in his footsteps.
My dad was transferred with his job out of state after the divorce. Through a nightmare of events, my sister decided to move with my dad. My mom sold our house and we moved into a small apartment. It was just me and my mom. She soon became an alcoholic and I was basically alone.
On drugs, with no guidance, no sense of self-worth at all and feelings of complete inferiority. I became very withdrawn. I didn’t want to be at home, because my mom would get drunk and tell me all of the bad things my dad ever did. I lived it, I didn’t want to live it again over and over.
I was with other people most of the time, but didn’t talk much. If I did, it was agreeing with whatever they said or just a shallow version of conversation if I could think of anything at all to say. I didn’t want to appear stupid, although I was convinced that I was. I had constant turmoil and fear going on in my head.
At about 15 years old I came across a friend of my sisters after my sister had moved away. My sister’s friend had been in the drug scene as well after my sister moved. She invited me to church. I thought it was cool for her to even have anything to do with me so I agreed. I always believed in God, but His existence was the extent of my knowledge. Although no one actually gave a salvation message so I would have some understanding, they did give a lot of testimonies of what He did in their lives.
Since I didn’t receive any information about Jesus, there was nothing tangible to take me any further than that. But He did hear me that day and answered, although I was unaware. Approximately 8 long years from that day I knelt on that floor sobbing and crying out to God, I was still in turmoil with a tormenting fear that ruled my life. I had a very real encounter with a very real God.
God, the creator of heaven and earth set the stage for me to come to the knowledge that was so crucial. He had to be drawing me to Himself because I just “decided” I would find out more about Him. I knew if anyone could help me, He probably could. I was at my sister-in-law’s house and saw one of those big coffee table Bibles on her coffee table so I began to check it out. I asked her a few questions and boom! It turned into an all-nighter. We didn’t leave until 5 o’clock in the morning.
She read all kinds of scriptures that said how much God loved me. I really didn’t know that. I soaked every bit of what she was reading up. She told me that God sent His son Jesus to die in my place for all of my sin. He took it all upon Himself so I could have life in Him forever. She said all I had to do was ask Jesus come into my heart and be my Lord.
On my way home I followed her instructions. Then I heard Him say, not with my ears but from inside me, “I am with you, I am with you.” I knew it was Him. All of a sudden I could see on the inside of me. I can’t explain it, but experienced it. He showed Himself to me as absolute pure love. I never knew that kind of love existed. I was all of a sudden keenly aware of a realm I never knew existed before, but was there all of the time. I stepped right into it!
That was the beginning of our relationship. Not only do I talk to Him, but He talks to me as well. My journey of transformation and freedom was birthed here. I’m still on my journey with Him, letting Him help me with all of the wrong beliefs that I’ve had about myself, Him and other people, but He has brought me a million miles from where I was. I have never been, nor ever will, be alone again.
If you would like to start a journey with Him, just ask Jesus into your heart and life. If you would like more information and/or would like me to assist you in meeting Him, I would love to introduce you. Just leave me a comment.