Post by Julian Rocha
j2i Speaker & Leader
Julian is a husband and father. He is married to his love, Leah. They have three children, Jordan (19), Leslie (18), and Brookes (11). He is currently self-employed. He works as a freelancer in broadcast television and has traveled across the U.S. helping ministries and corporations.
Note: Julian Rocha is a speaker at our j2i Events. To schedule him to speak or for information about our upcoming events visit our j2i Events page.
I AM ENOUGH…but I grew up thinking otherwise. All because of someone else’s insecurity. I believed a lie. It felt so real, so tangible, but it was just smoke and mirrors.
I was in third grade and attending a Christian school. My parents were going through a divorce. My world felt a little shaky. The enemy saw a little girl who was ripe for the picking. I had just recently talked my Mom into letting me wear pantyhose. I was allowed to wear nude, but not suntan. Suntan would make me look too old. I remember walking up to the front porch of the school where a guy was hanging with some of his teenage friends.
He asked me, “What is that on your legs?”
I responded very sheepishly, “Pantyhose.”
He said, “What size are they? Q for queen?!” while laughing with his friends.
I remember turning around and walking away. I distinctively remember seeing the ground as I walked. At that moment, I decided that anything I do and wear will be critiqued. That everything was open for judgment. Nothing would go unnoticed. I was something to laugh at. I was weird. I was abnormal. I was less than.
So how do you change something...ask God to heal something...that seems normal to you? Something you didn't know needed to be fixed? You don't. Instead of going after the wounds and lies that got me into this mess and that was making my condition worse, I went after myself and told myself...be stronger, be braver, try harder, work harder, do more, be more.
I tried doing everything I could think of, to fix myself, in my own strength. But, the truth is I am not strong enough nor smart enough nor capable enough to fix me. I can't heal myself from wounds from my past. I can't adopt a healthy way of looking at things by my own doing. How can a broken person fix a broken person? It doesn't work that way.
There have been many events that have derailed me in my timeline. There have been moments of deep hurt, betrayal, manipulative and destructive 'prophetic words', abuse by spiritual authority and the list goes on...
It has taken me many years of searching and seeking the Lord for healing to get to this place that I am today. A place where I am still sorting through fragmented memories, trying to make sense of my story. Realizing that there are so many "Monsters" attached to the woundings of my heart and that in a way I have nurtured those "Monsters" and consoled them at times, believing that they were the only safe place to run to.
How is your summer going?
I was on a drive last night with the family and a Cold play song came on the radio "Sky full of stars". I was thinking to myself, man that song always has me picturing myself dancing. I was thinking I have not been that light on my feet in a very long time. I remember dancing around the living room as a teen while cleaning house when no one was home. I thought to myself that I feel too heavy to even try to do what I see in my head and feel in my heart.
Pages from our journals of life...
These are little glimpses into the stories of the j2i Team & guest. We believe that as we share deeper levels of healing are birthed not only in our hearts but in the hearts of others as well. As you read and find yourself relating to the letters that create our timelines, please comment, message an author, or register for a class.